Chairman Bernanke's Desk Conference

A satirical look at the first official Fed FOMC Press Conference 4-27-11;

Chairman Bernanke’s Desk Conference
by The Keystone Speculator

In what resembles a poorly scripted SNL (Saturday Night Live) sketch, Chairman Bernanke walks onto the stage, and in Get Smart fashion, immediately drops under camera view, one-half of his body disappearing behind a desk.  Ben lowers his stature before he utters a word.  Perhaps Ben felt a need for protection from incoming tomatos, and a sturdy desk is just the ticket.

The financial reporters sit at dining tables; remnants of a late morning feast stain the shiny white tablecloth.  The cookie-munching journalists look to be victims of after-lunch drowsies, sluggishly asking token questions only to justify their plate.  Perhaps one of them could have at least asked if the desk was mahogany. In fact, the Chairman would have scored points if he mentioned the desk is on loan from Fred Fafooshnik Office Supply on Elm Street, but I suspect such a fine desk is custom shipped from his summer office.

I will not be too hard on the press core, however, and their soft-ball questions, I see they are quite busy judging by the jelly donut stains on their ties and the powdered sugar smudges on their glasses.  One reporter could only read his question after brushing away what appear to be toast crumbs from his notes.

The Chairman started the virgin conference off with a thud.  He obviously never attended a football game where the team runs out onto the field tearing thru a banner as fist pumps fill the air.  Of course, in fairness, the Fed is not a sporting event—they are more like a circus.  I knew something was missing yesterday and it was the calliope music.  Regardless, a subtle golf-type fist pump may have been a nice touch.

To recognize this momentous occasion, and the desire for the Fed to provide more transparency, context and color to their statements, Ben chose to, well, read a statement.  The journalists did not seem to mind, one elbowed the other to point at the two donuts remaining in the food tray.  Another reporter wiped bagle crumbs from the corner of his mouth. Thus, in the spirit of communication, the Fed Chairman performed the top no-no in communication, reading from text on camera, a painfully boring process to view.  And considering that he simply read a written statement, hey, how about emailing that to me, I’ll take a look at it later.

Ben’s answers shed light on the Fed, but on the blemishes not the tan.  We now realize that the Fed is pretty much powerless to do about anything to help the economy.  Ben’s responses are summed up by we have no effect there, nope, can’t do that, and, we would like to, but we have no power with that either.  If this is the case, why does he get such a nice desk?  Why do we need the Fed if it is powerless to do anything?

New revelations from the Fed are occurring all the time.  We found out late last summer, at the start of the Bernanke QE2 POMO Fist Pump Rally, I knew a fist pump was in here somewhere, that the Fed’s mandate is to keep equity markets buoyant.  Forget that talk about rates and full employment stuff.  The Fed has placed all the eggs in the wealth effect basket, but, the Easter Bunny already came and went.  Perhaps the Tooth Fairy will be along any minute?  How ironic that the Fed is the Tooth Fairy since we go to sleep every night and wake up with billions of dollars under out pillows.  Damn if I know how it got here, just hurry up and spend it before it disappears.

Witnessing Ben’s handwringing—oh woe is me—attitude over how powerless he is at least places him in the clear when the next bubble bursts. When the torches and pitch forks show up, he can conveniently point down the street to the other folks that did all this nasty stuff to the economy and markets.

Chairman Bernanke succeeded today.  He did not want to rock the boat, or paint himself into a corner, or any other cliché you can come up with, so he did succeed, especially since he did not produce a YouTube moment.

I’ll give the Chairman a free pass if he has bad knees, but I would rather see a Fed Chairman standing exuding authority behind a podium, pounding the surface to accentuate points.  Instead, we see a Fed Chairman sitting behind a desk, as if he is taking a social security application, hiding behind oak protection, waiting for folks to clear so he can pull the Skittles package from the center drawer, and enjoy all the colored delights without sharing.  And come to think about it, at least he could have shown us what were in the drawers—the desks’, most definitely not his—that would be a whole different kind of show.

No worries however, more entertainment is ahead since this is now a repeating SNL sketch four times per year; The Fed’s Desk Conference.